Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The Tides

Have you noticed the 'downward' trend of my last few posts? My annual Oct./Nov. period of hypomania is giving way to my annual Nov./Dec. period of straight-up depression. Things are getting tough. Signs of trouble are: more frequent anxiety attacks, either free-floating or associated with a specific event or fear; irritation with others (especially while driving); and increasing fixation on self-doubt.

I'm managing all of this more effectively than in the past by not isolating myself as much, exercising regularly, eating properly, and keeping my attention on the immediate details of tasks before me. But, my ability to focus is fraying. Self-hatred is lapping at my sense of self like an incoming tide curling slowly up my shins. These next six weeks are going to be tough.

Paradoxically, what remains true is that I have nothing concrete to complain about. To describe myself as "unhappy" may or may not be false, but it would still be ungrateful.

Man, oh man.



iziezi said...

You're doing great! You say you've learned to manage all of it more effectively, so keep up the good work. Even when it feels like you're not making any progress, remind yourself that you have made tremendous strides forward. I've battled with a major depression myself, and the best thing for me was to actively counteract any negative thoughts with a positive thought. To remind myself that even if I felt like crap, I still was doing so much better than I had been even a year earlier. Keep a sense of pride in your accomplishments. You're doing great!

Cindy said...

David--You are believed in.