I have been patient with my disappointment at my work in the PATA auditions. The disappointment has been good for me. It's moved me into a state of 'hopelessness' about myself as an actor even as I remain committed to acting. At the moment, I'm without much expectation of an acting 'career,' and don't see myself turning into the actor I'd hoped to be.
This is proving to be a relief.
Since the PATA audition, I've let slide my usual need to posture around both others and myself. My need for approval has been mellowed. I'm looking into the mirror less frequently. I've withdrawn my wandering mind from hypothetical visions of my future and have been seeking respite by minding my actions in the present. I go to yoga, the gym, acting class, do my voice exercises, and work at home. I watch my diet. For the moment, at least, I'm not trying to square the circle of my commitment to acting-mediocre prospects-commitment to acting-mediocre prospects--etcetera. I can't resolve the contradictions between my desires and (limited) talents, so, for the moment, I'm not trying.
I'm hoping that my stereotyped idea of a 'good actor' leaves me altogether. Without it, I might discover what kind of actor I am, instead of seeing only what kind I'm not.
My insides are gripping less.