Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Being Here

A bad day, today. Why did I go to another commercial, on-camera audition? I'm terrible at them. I think I'm done with that. The uncertain promise of earning a few hundred dollars in exchange for my dignity isn't worth it. The hell with it.

The only thing keeping me together, today, is the feeling I have of being in a body, and belonging in it. Right now--as I type--is the kind of moment in which, on another day, I'd typically binge eat or spend money. I'd eat or spend not so much to distract myself, as find a way to ground myself, to give myself a sensation of BEING here. I'd just float away, otherwise, insubstantial and unconnected with life; ready to 'throw in the towel,' to put it gently. Today is a bit different. I'm earthed by feeling embodied. I'm not entirely numb. I can feel the blood in my arms and the warmth in muscles that I worked earlier today, at the gym. My joints feel limber. I feel physically solid and vibrant at once even as my mind wallows and sloshes in the ethereal--not quite physical--space within my skull, angry, fearful, dull, and on the verge of fatal disinterest. I can FEEL myself being here, at least (maybe that's what long-term prisoners do when they pump iron: remind themselves they're here.)

I'm choking on self-hatred and, yet, keep breathing.

A difficult day, but not quite a crisis.

4

3 comments:

paulmonster said...

Way to take it on the chin and keep on swinging, worthy Montano. I'm right there with you, casting about for a sense of fixed-ness, of being, as you say. For what it's worth, the piece of you that hates yourself doesn't have a leg to stand on.

take care of yourself,

pjs

Anonymous said...

"The uncertain promise of earning a few hundred dollars in exchange for my dignity isn't worth it."

Oh my god!! Dude, I am going to have a fucking PLAQUE ENGRAVED with that phrase....and then WEAR IT AROUND MY NECK. For me, auditioning for stuff on-camera was like playing the lottery - only humiliating. And having just gone through a stage experience where I earned absolutely NOTHING in exchange for my dignity, the thought is that much stronger.

jason

Anonymous said...

Jason - I don't think that show earned anything from you, either.