A bad day, today. Why did I go to another commercial, on-camera audition? I'm terrible at them. I think I'm done with that. The uncertain promise of earning a few hundred dollars in exchange for my dignity isn't worth it. The hell with it.
The only thing keeping me together, today, is the feeling I have of being in a body, and belonging in it. Right now--as I type--is the kind of moment in which, on another day, I'd typically binge eat or spend money. I'd eat or spend not so much to distract myself, as find a way to ground myself, to give myself a sensation of BEING here. I'd just float away, otherwise, insubstantial and unconnected with life; ready to 'throw in the towel,' to put it gently. Today is a bit different. I'm earthed by feeling embodied. I'm not entirely numb. I can feel the blood in my arms and the warmth in muscles that I worked earlier today, at the gym. My joints feel limber. I feel physically solid and vibrant at once even as my mind wallows and sloshes in the ethereal--not quite physical--space within my skull, angry, fearful, dull, and on the verge of fatal disinterest. I can FEEL myself being here, at least (maybe that's what long-term prisoners do when they pump iron: remind themselves they're here.)
I'm choking on self-hatred and, yet, keep breathing.
A difficult day, but not quite a crisis.