I felt hugely tired most of yesterday and the evening before. I went mournfully through my routine and did errands (I was a terrible dinner companion for Suzy, Wednesday night!) I'd settled into the question, "am I really even interested in this?" I thought the answer might be, "No. I'm tired of acting." But, during my Alexander Technique session, when Aase and Arro were once again describing the difference between "releasing" and "holding," the thought came in on me, "I'm not tired of acting. I'm tired of HOLDING."
After working with Aase and Arro, I went straight to my voice session with Theresa. Theresa is a mature artist and spiritually sound. If she were a bell, to tap her would be to receive a strong, warm tone, with no digital clipping. I told her of my crudely articulated epiphany. She said, "I think I know what you mean.... You seem to be saying that you've had a taste of freedom (specifically, artistic freedom), and now you're fed up with not having that." The coin dropped.
Theresa and I talked a while about what has been transpiring in me, both since I came back from S&C and over the course of the last year. Something is shifting, slowly and profoundly, tectonically. Theresa said she expected that I'd be going through waves of desperation, alternatately with waves of creative excitement, for a while to come. Echoing my own advice to myself (recorded on this blog), she advised me to live with the questions and avoid, if at all possible, seeking answers to them. It may well be that acting is not my thing, or that it will morph into something else, allied with performance or not. We'll see.
p.s. As a young man, I never really found mentors. Over the last two or three years, I've been rich in them.