I feel good about my work on MADE CROOKED, but I want to make clear that I am more humbled than inflated by this experience. Clearly, a film performance--at least one by me--is a collaborative effort. I say that while at the same time I experience acting as akin to playing an instrument in an orchestra. I read my music and do my part as I stay attuned to the whole.
Interesting to me is that I'm happy just playing my instrument, at least for the moment. On the one hand, I'd prefer to be the Alpha Male in the room--the conductor, the guy with the big wand--so that I may feel some jealousy of Neal or Jordan as they marshall those around them. But, on the other hand, I enjoy not being in a position either to tell others what to do or otherwise assume responsibility over them. I feel a bit monkish, interested in exploring and showing to others the condition of my own soul as it shape shifts in response to both the world and my own private travails. We can learn a lot simply by allowing ourselves to see one another's souls. Revealing mine is the best way I know to make the world a better place; at least, it comes more naturally than any form of outright activism (I feel guilt about my unwillingness to engage in political action.)
At present, my interest in stage work is at low ebb. I like the 'beingness' of film as opposed to the 'performance-ness' of stage, especially an outdoor stage, where all nuance is lost.
MADE CROOKED is a turning point for me. Until now, I've been more or less content to make scratching little claw marks at artistic progress, and if I've been given the choice, I've put my financial resources into pleasurable and restoring ventures such as scuba diving, skiing, traveling. But, MADE CROOKED is the first project on which I've gotten a good look at my POTENTIAL as a a real actor. For all the messiness of my performance--er, I seem to be able to talk or walk on camera, but not both at once--it's the first REAL acting I've done; the first sign that I can be more than a dilettante, which has honor, but doesn't interest me. Although I will proceed cautiously--parsimoniously--I'm ready to put money into doing film that otherwise would go into diversions such as scuba. Until now, that seemed a silly idea, the benefits of scuba, et al., being tangible where the eventual payoff of acting remained hypothetical, at best, delusional, at worst.
It's also time for me to get some screenwriting done, so I don't depend on others to provide me with roles, all the time.
I'm not the only one who feels the ground shifting after having shot MADE CROOKED. It seems to have been a pivotal moment in the lives of each and all of the actors, at least (I'm sure it sloshed some water over the railings of the crews' boats, as well, but not to the same extent.) It's one of those moments we'll still be talking about in decades to come....
It's all snapping into focus for me.