Today, I'm slightly blue about myself as an actor. I keep chipping away at it because I'm sure that, if I do, I'll finally bust through all the self-imposed (as well as other) restraints to some pure vein of molten creativity; some river of wit and responsiveness. Today, I'm not so sure. For me, the chasm between my intellectual and creative capacities is terrifyingly wide. It's not only difficult, but also confusing, to see a potential performance but feel unable to produce it. Bah. There's nothing for it but to do my homework, to which, of course, I'm so often resistant.
Now. That last sentence reveals more than it says, doesn't it?
A bright spot to which I can look to for hope? My voice work. Theresa said to a group of students that I may well be her student who has improved the most, despite the periodic resistance to the work and dips in confidence that regularly disturb my focus, but never keep me from returning to the work. I've been working with Theresa for two years. Another year or two of work, and I may feel ready to audition for musicals.
Though, come to think of it: I do have my public singing 'debut' in a few weeks (on Saturday, December 30th). Once or twice a year, Theresa hosts a recital for her students, some of whom are highly talented or accomplished, and others of whom are newcomers, some struggling with huge fear. I have sung in front of other people--not counting Theresa--exactly twice, in small classes at Theresa's house, so singing in front of an audience is a big deal for me. To say the least.
I'm excited. I'll be singing a familiar song about the bittersweet joy a parent feels at seeing his children grow up. Funny, songs about parenthood slay me. I relate to them, even though I do not have children, something I regret.
UPDATE: No, I DID sing in a show, once.... Which was the immediate reason I started voice lessons. Lord, THAT was humiliating. I don't think that director has forgiven me to this day.