Saturday, September 01, 2007

A tough Moment

I'm coming apart a little. We've been throwing together monologues and my self-directing sucks; my acting has fallen apart so that my work is 80% of the time as bad as it was two years ago; I've discovered that I'm not only more awkward than I knew but less physically courageous and flexible; my vocal woes depress me, since I'm not at all sure I can fix them; my memory is not keeping up with tasks--e.g., getting off book, learning sequences, quickly grasping classroom material; all my old awful physical habits are back (this may be the worst thing of all); the ensemble as a whole is feeling pissy; and I'm feeling way too damned old for this.

I did read well for one show this week, and feeling some god damned sponteneity was a relief, given the creeping despond that I find myself fighting. A tough moment. It'll pass....



jason said...

Dude. there. Like...FIVE MINUTES ago. Get a grip. Besides - if you didn't go there to be disassembled and rebuilt, challenged on every level, and worked to the bone - then what DID you go there for?

Sounds to me like things are going precisely as planned, and that you're doing just fine.

Signore Direttore said...

Well put, Jason.
David, I think it's exciting that your weaknesses are being exposed -- see today's post over at Finding Fellini about tuning one's stroke.
Perhaps what you're experiencing is the inefficiency of expecting the tools you've acquired in your training so far to be more supportive. Just as Jason points out that you've been in the UH MFA program for a short time, you've been an actor but a short time and your formal training up to this point has been somewhat less than comprehensive. Sometimes in order to give ourselves permission to pursue an ambition we internally overstate our qualifications. (And most of us posture externally as well.)
Maybe letting yourself be the novice actor that you are will give you the necessary space to just be who you are. Keep showing up buddy and leave the results up to the process. Acting school is not a check in the box, it takes real work to become a trained actor. Sounds like you're right where you're supposed to be. Boy, do I hate to hear that.

Remember we love you for who you are, not how good of an actor or student you are.


sirjer said...

Grad School is tough, even more so for acting. It kicks your ass every month you, but you'll feel it less each time as the callouses build up. If it wasn't this hard, it wouldn't be worth it.

Take deep breaths and stop over-thinking it. your instincts are good. Remember: what can be perceived as a "fault" or weak spot can actually become a signature strength.

suzy said...

If you didn't feel like this now, I'd be worried. You're experiencing exactly what you ought in order for maximum ROI on your career. Imagine how ripped off you'd feel if you got down there and discovered you not only knew more than everyone else, but the work came effortlessly?

Which doesn't make it any easier, I know.

As you have counseled me on so many occasions: just watch yourself behave; keep with peripheral acknowledgement and try as best as you can to suspend judgment.

The despond? The slough of it? It'll pass is exactly right.